Dear Jess,

Whenever I'm stressed, I typically turn to a song to calm me down, and lately that song has been Trois Gymnopedies, by Aldo Ciccolini. In studying, I had the song on repeat for 2 hours straight, then the following day another hour as I took the test I'd been studying for, and as I'm writing this post the song is playing yet again on repeat. There's something about the simplicity of it, timing and notes that were chosen, that all tied together create a thing of beauty that absolutely mesmerizes my mind. This is the first song that you'll hear if you have your sound on (I just installed it into our playlist) following with Cello Suite 1 by Yo Yo Ma (my second favorite) and some classic Debussy songs to accompany the classical style that I'm in love with at the moment. Hope you enjoy!

(Aldo Ciccolini)

I came to you today, with some rather interesting news, and because I feel like at the moment I don't want to name names, I won't be very specific as to who I'm talking about. I was told the other day that someone in my classes likes me and to be honest, hearing that is bittersweet news for me. On the one hand, its always nice to hear that you're liked, and on the other its a new pestering anxiety for me considering what if this person was to ask me out? I'm not looking for a relationship, in fact, I feel so overwhelmed with school work and life in general at the moment that I don't feel like I can handle a relationship! And then the anxiety of how to turn this person down nicely, when really, this is all a hypothetical situation I've created. Thus, I've invited you to the workings of my mind. Anxiety, hypothetical situations, anxiety, and every now and then sweetness.

Hypothetical situations aside, here are the facts. He told my friend the other day that he thought I was the prettiest girl he's ever seen and that he really likes me. I feel like what I'm going to delve into next might seem negative, but it's not to me, just generally thoughtful and, as we've decided that this is about us, our lives, and everything in it, I'm not going to censor my potentially not so happy thoughts.

I have trouble believing all this is true, not to say that I'm 'trapped in a dream, it just can't be reality' -fluttering of the eyelashes and all that- but part of me, and I've realized this is something that's occured before, doesn't think I'm pretty. Again, to combat the negative, I do not believe in any way that I'm ugly either. I just always wonder, why? What about me is attractive? And then the negative thoughts of is this all a trick or a joke? As I look back, I think this happened in my last relationship. I was always so afraid that it wasn't real, and always wondering why, that I put up a guard to protect myself. I'm hoping I've learned from that.

I don't think this 'crush' from the guy in my class will lead to anything, but just knowing someone likes me has surfaced those thoughts. So as not to leave the guy out himself, I'll let you know that I personally think he's cute ;) Anywho, to the other side of my life.

Spring break has arrived but just thinking about it makes me want to stick my head in the sand. I've got so much to do, so much to study for, birthdays and everything! In art, I'm working on a new masterpiece that, up until today I was feeling confident about doing it. The piece is called Meditative Rose by Salvidore Dali:

It's as gorgeous to me as the song I'm listening to right now (can you guess what song that is? Hint: look at the first paragraph!) but today my teacher showed me another students recreation of it. The thing that scared me the most was how it didn't look good, making me feel that if this student couldn't do it, who's to say I can?? I'm going to take it one step at a time though. As stressful as that might be, I'm determined to be proud of what I do.

Next on my list, I have AP Bio to study for (both tests that are coming up in the class and the frighteningly close AP Exam.) On top of that, I'm starting training for another year working at the zoo. Just typing these things is making my heart race a little faster. Ok...breathing break... ... ... Aldo Ciccolini has saved me once again.

As much as I have on my plate right now, I'm going to take everything one step at a time. Earlier this week I was overwhelmed with joy just at life in general and took a 2 and 1/2 mile walk in the rain with my mom. Everything was wonderful amidst the stress of testing and due dates this past week so I believe that I can harness that feeling again and conquer the weeks to come of that stress!

Lots and lots of love to you dear Jessica,

Sam

p.s. On the subject of donating blood, I'm devestated to say that its one of my bigger fears (having to do with needles and the sight of blood) and as much as I'd love to help, I'm not going to be able to donate blood within the next few years until that fear is conquered too.

Oh, and the pictures of me are from a project in photography for a friend. I was asked to model and since my camera is momentarily down I've decided to try to include pictures of my life that I do have access to!