Dear Sam

So here is my post and I'll write what I already told you and then tell you more. I like to post positive things that happen so that when I get into the "My life sucks beyond worth" funk I can come back and read these things.

So I started praying about a month ago because I just felt like maybe if I ask someone for help that supposedly controls the universe, then the helpless feeling I was feeling would ease. Then I could just turn the problem over to the supreme being of everything and then I could say that I truly did all that I was capable of and let it go. It's like having a conversation with an imaginary friend and at first it sounds weird talking out loud to yourself but after a while it starts to be fine. Like reverting back to being a little child again. Anyways. I started praying for Jake because I felt so sad about him being so downer all the time. The fact that he's a senior and has a toilet GPA, doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, feels like his family doesn't like him and he doesn't fit in. Doesn't have friends, no motivation for anything, never had a girlfriend. The list just goes on and on. So I said hey, if anyone can do something about this mess its GOD.

So I did. And the 3 days in a row I prayed for him he seemed decently happy. Then I stopped and a few weeks went by. The other day we were in groups in AP Psych and he and I were in a group together and he was the lowest I have ever seen another human being. But it wasn't where all he talked about was death and dying, he was more matter of fact. We talked about not fitting into our families and how he doesn't want to be around Lloyd anymore and how he hates the show and wants to drop out and how hormones are nuts and stuff. And that day I came home and was feeling ridiculously sad for him and I just wanted to cry. Because I wanted to hug him and tell him that I liked him as a human being. That he was so amazing on stage and that he was funny and that he can do it. But I didn't.

Because I feel really happy most of the time and it's hard to see others sad and not be able to give them what you feel. So the other night I started praying for him again. I told GOD that I was done and that he either needed to somehow let me know to give up and let it go and stop being friends with this kid, or he needed to show me that there is still something there that is salvageable as a friendship. Yesterday was better, and today was perfect.

Yesterday at set building he came at 4 and then Nick Santiago showed up. We worked together for the entire time they were there. And it was so much fun. Nick is hilarious and my abs hurt afterwards. Jake just followed us around and didn't do anything unless he was directly asked to. The conversation bounced around and made no sense and was unpredictable. Jake and I didn't talk very much but I caught him looking at me and it made me laugh inside. CHEESY WARNING: I really enjoy looking at him :) And sometimes we look at each other for no reason...

The conversation somehow got to hair and Jake challenged me to a hair off because we both said we had soft hair. Nick was the judge but he never passed a verdict. Both of our hair is really soft. And it's funny because I sit behind him in Psych and for a long time I thought about how soft and shiny his hair looked and I wondered how he got it that nice and I really wanted to feel it. And I got to yesterday.

The other thing was that when the left, Nick waved me over to tell me what the instructions were for the project we had been working on. Then he gave me a hug and walked towards the door. Jake was behind him and he walked towards me and opened his arms and said "hug" and I realize that it probably sounds really immature and awkward but it wasn't, it was more telling and matter of fact than asking. And it wasn't a short hug either. And back when they were blocking the Friar Lawrence and Friar John scene where Friar John tells Lawrence that he didn't deliver the letter to Romeo, they were supposed to greet each other with a hug. She had Jake hug Navid over and over because he was so awkward and she wanted him to get it right and I thought "Wow, that would be sad to be so physically awkward when accepting affectionate gestures..." but hugging him wasn't awkward. Normally it should have been a huge endorphin rush, but it wasn't. But I take that as GOD's sign that he isn't hopeless. So I'm not going to give up just yet.

Today was even better. We walked together from 1st to 2nd period and he told me about this game called Fallout Los Vegas that he was going to get Nick so that he could go over to Nick's house and play it on his x-box... Which I thought was pretty funny. Then after 2nd period (because we're on opposite sides of the new building ground floor) He made it to the door a little before me and he saw me. He was already walking with Thad Allen, but he looked back at me a bunch of times and then when we got outside he walked REALLY slow for me to catch up, which I thought was a nice. And all the way to Psych he kept looking back as though to check that I was still there, but not all the way back. More of like sneaky glancing and I walked right behind/next to him the entire way. Thad kept talking. Then at Psych he walked in first, but held the door for me. He told me more about Fallout LV and then in drama Jon wasn't there so we sat in the very back alone. And after the movie was done we walked up to the stage to talk to Lloyd. I was last to walk up because I had to turn off the projector and stuff and I was behind him. He went to walk to the back of the group, and then he backtracked and sat down right near where I was walking up so all I had to do was sit down. Then She told him to pull up the screen and he said that he didn't know how, so I went over with him and showed him. He did a good job and I told him that.

I think that he's finally seeing that I mean good and am extending an olive branch and I think that at first he didn't believe me, but he's seeing that I'm genuine and serious and stable.

So we'll see how all of this goes. Hopefully tomorrow will be good too and even when his bipolarity takes him down that he will still see me as a friend.